Monday, February 10, 2014

One day at a time is still too long

I'm gonna have to go hour but hour to ever feel like I'm making any progress.

My ineffectual coping, my weaknesses have become like an addiction that I have to be hyper-vigilant, hyper-conscious about minute to minute and hour to hour.

Our day went wonderfully today...

until it didn't.

Chores. Playing. To-do's. School.

But, then I get stressed. I'm tired of answering questions. I'm tired of their delays. I just need them to MOVE and do what I told them.

That was the beginning of the end. From then on, I'm walking a hair-trigger stress to get stuff done, be places on time, balancing, completing, crossing stuff off, etc.

And the noise! My noise sensitivity starts. I can't think. I can't talk. I can't finish anything with the noise, interruption, distraction. They're just being kids. It's only a question from my hubby but I'm irritated by it all.

School suffers. Relationships suffer. I don't get anything done. And, I feel like a failure.

I'm so far under and beneath the trees that the forest is just a dream I can't quite even picture yet.

And, in the meantime, I'm wasting their precious days at home.

This wasn't what I wanted. This isn't what it was supposed to look like.

But, I don't know how to stop.


  1. There will never be a perfect day on earth. If you have a mostly good day, one rough patch doesn't ruin it. If you have a bad day, it can still be redeemed. Do better, but remember to say sorry, confess your sin, ask forgiveness from God and from your kids. Remember that they aren't your kids, but you have been entrusted with them.

    Sometimes we get into habits of reaction. The trick is to recognize it, and stop. Do something different. It's hard in the heat of the moment, but it can be done. Just put some space/time between the situation and what comes out of your mouth.

    Anyway, all that is what helps me. Take my unsolicited advice with a grain of salt.

  2. Hi Beth! I'm so glad to "see" you back again. I've wondered how you and your family were doing. I very much understand a lot of what you wrote. Even though I'm not homeschooling, I feel too much like the enforcer all the time. Emily has plenty of issues that make her a bit more challenging to parent and trying to find the balance between correcting and enforcing and loving is really hard most days. You're not alone in this.

    I hope you continue to write. I've fallen behind in writing as well, partly because I'm having issues with my camera and after trying for so long to load the pictures, I lose the will to write! But I need to keep trying. It's good to know you're still around!